Giusto “un paio di cose”

shopping

Lui: “Tesoro, cosa ti andrebbe di fare oggi pomeriggio?”

Lei: “Guarda, dovrei passare un attimo al centro commerciale a prendere un paio di cose…”

Non ci cascate. No, davvero, non lo fate. Per noi maschietti “un paio di cose” vuol dire “mah, posso andarci pure un altro giorno…” Il vero problema è che le donne sono diverse da noi, e quel paio di cose diventa una lista della spesa lunga chilometri.

Metteteci anche che noi maschietti siamo un po’ tonti; quanto volte ci siamo lasciati infinocchiare in questo modo, per poi ritrovarci fuori dai camerini, circondati dai nostri stessi simili, con in faccia l’espressione tipica di un condannato a morte e le braccia cariche di talmente tante buste e scatole che nemmeno Schwarzenegger sotto steroidi rimarrebbe impassibile.

Ma andiamo con ordine.

Tutto comincia davanti ad una vetrina di un negozio X del centro commerciale Y, dove la vostra serena passeggiata mano nella mano viene interrotta da un immprovviso strattone che per poco non vi stacca il braccio. Ti volti al tuo fianco, convinto di trovarci un lottatore di wrestling di 110 kg, ed invece c’è la vostra piccola, fragile, dolce metà che, con lo sguardo perso nella vetrina pronuncia le fatidiche parole: “Oddio, amore, hai visto che carino che è???” Voi, con il vostro pragmatismo tutto maschile, senza neanche guardare il vestito in questione, gettate lo sguardo all’etichetta e vi ritrovate a pensare: “carino? Perchè il diminutivo? Dì pure caro…”

Ecco, a questo punto avreste dovuto stordirla e trascinarla via, ma, purtroppo per voi, avrete sicuramente qualcosa da farmi perdonare (noi uomini abbiamo sempre qualcosa da farci perdonare, vai a capire il perchè…) e quindi, con l’aria di un cane bastonato, vi ritrovate a chiedere: “te lo vuoi provare?”

Nel giro di pochi minuti vi ritrovate fuori da un camerino, mentre lei, che ormai si è dimenticata totalmente della vostra esistenza, ha deciso di provarsi tutto il negozio, con la complicità della maledetta commessa che, ovviamente, ha a disposizione tutte le taglie, tutti i colori, ecc… Invece, per voi poveri fessi, il massimo dello sballo sarà fare a gara con gli altri condannati a morte a chi ha la faccia da funerale più espressiva, mentre lentamente un leggero strato di polvere e di ragnatele comincia a posarsi su di voi.

Ora, possono accadere due cose:

1) tutto ciò che la vostra metà ha provato NON le stava bene e/o NON le piaceva, e quindi vi toccherà trascorrere il resto della vostra uscita a cercare di risollevare la sua autostima che è sprofondata sottoterra

2) tutto ciò che la vostra metà ha provato le stava bene E le piaceva, e quindi vi toccherà trascorrere il resto della vostra uscita in fila alle casse nella speranza di riuscire a pagare entro un tempo ragionevole, mentre, con le braccia cariche di scatole e buste, siete costretti a prestare attenzione a tutti i virtuosi del “scusate, fatemi passare, mia nonna sta male/ho il cane in macchina da solo/mi si scuoce la pasta” che tenteranno di infinocchiarvi e di passarvi davanti.

Come scriveva Erma Bombeck, “Lo shopping è una cosa da donna. È uno sport di contatto come il football. Alle donne piace la mischia, la folla rumorosa, il pericolo di essere calpestate a morte e l’estasi dell’acquisto.

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